What a toy truck, two frustrated children, and a lesson in child development taught me about the way we expect kids to navigate conflict.
Two children. One toy truck.
And neither one was willing to let go.
I remember observing two children during a play therapy session who both wanted the same toy. One pulled it toward himself. The other grabbed it back. Within seconds, what had started as play became a full-blown disagreement over who had the right to possess this very important piece of plastic.
I approached them and asked a simple question.
"What's going on?"
"It's mine!"
"But I had it first!"
"You had it too long!"
And there it was. Two children, each making a perfectly reasonable argument from their own perspective.
As adults, our instinct in these situations is often immediate.
"Come on, you have to share."
We say it to our children. Teachers say it in classrooms. Parents repeat it on playgrounds. Somewhere along the way, sharing is caring became one of childhood's most frequently repeated lessons.
But I've often wondered whether we're teaching children what sharing actually means or simply expecting them to surrender something because an adult told them to.
Sharing Sounds Simple. Until You Think About It.
Think about what we're asking a young child to do.
They're playing with something they enjoy. They're engaged. They're having fun. And suddenly, another child wants it.
Now an adult is standing over them saying, "You need to share."
From the child's perspective, that can sound an awful lot like, "Stop enjoying what you have and give it to somebody else."
And when the child refuses, we sometimes interpret that refusal as selfishness.
But is it?
Young children are still developing the ability to consider another person's perspective, regulate their emotions, tolerate frustration, and delay gratification. These skills don't magically appear because we repeat the word share enough times.
They develop through experience, modeling, repetition, and the relationships children have with the adults around them.
Sharing is a real and important social skill. But it's also an abstract concept, especially for younger children who are still learning what it means to own something, borrow something, and give something back.
And this is where I believe taking turns becomes such a useful teaching tool.
Taking Turns Gives Children Something Concrete
A child may not fully understand what we mean when we say, "You need to share."
But that same child may understand:
"You can play with the truck for a little while, and then it will be his turn."
Or:
"When you're finished with your turn, she can have a turn."
Or even:
"You both want the truck. How can we figure out a way for each of you to use it?"
Now we're giving the child something they can understand.
There is a beginning. There is an ending. There is a reasonable expectation that they will have another opportunity.
And perhaps most importantly, we're teaching them that someone else's desire for something does not automatically erase their own.
Taking turns also gives children opportunities to practice patience, communication, negotiation, and flexibility.
They learn to ask.
They learn to wait.
They learn that someone might say no.
And they learn that disappointment, while uncomfortable, is something they can get through.
These are not small lessons.
These are foundational relationship skills.
And Let's Be Clear. Adults Aren't Exactly Masters at Sharing Either.
We tell children to share their favorite toys, their snacks, their personal space, and sometimes things they weren't even finished using.
But adults?
We have boundaries.
We have things we don't want people touching.
We have food we aren't willing to split.
And we certainly have relationships we aren't interested in sharing.
I mean, I'm divorced. Trust me, I have some thoughts on the subject.
I thought I was in an exclusive relationship. Apparently, other people had a different understanding of the arrangement.
And that's when I decided I was no longer interested in participating.
See? Even adults have strong feelings about what's ours, what belongs to someone else, and what we're willing to share.
Now, obviously, a marriage and a toy truck are not the same thing. But the humor points to something worth considering.
Ownership, consent, boundaries, and expectations matter to adults. They matter to children, too.
We don't expect adults to hand over their belongings simply because someone else wants them.
Why, then, are we sometimes so quick to demand that children do exactly that?
Teaching generosity shouldn't require teaching children that their boundaries don't matter.
Before You Intervene, Observe
One of the most valuable things my clinical training taught me was the importance of observation.
Not every disagreement requires immediate adult intervention.
Sometimes, the most useful thing we can do is watch.
Watch how children communicate their frustration.
Watch who attempts to negotiate.
Watch whether one child consistently gives in while another consistently takes control.
Watch how they respond when they don't get what they want.
And watch what happens when we give them an opportunity to work through the problem.
Of course, when children become physically aggressive, overwhelmed, or unsafe, adults need to intervene. Observation isn't the same as standing by while someone gets hurt.
But when the situation is safe, we can allow room for children to practice the very skills we want them to develop.
Instead of immediately saying, "Give it to her," we might ask:
"What do you think we could do so both of you get a chance?"
That question does something important.
It invites children to participate in solving the problem instead of simply complying with an adult's solution.
It moves the focus from obedience to problem-solving.
And isn't that ultimately what we're trying to teach?
It's Not Just About the Toy
I recently finished writing a children's book, The Adventures of Lynnie: I Am the Princess, about a little girl who finds the perfect green princess dress in her kindergarten classroom.
She puts it on, adds her crown, and fully embraces her royal moment.
Until another little girl wants to wear the dress, too.
And just like that, we have a problem.
Because Lynnie isn't finished being the princess.
What I wanted to explore through this story wasn't simply whether Lynnie would give up the dress. It was what happens when two children want the same thing and neither one is necessarily wrong for wanting it.
That's real life.
Sometimes we want something that someone else has.
Sometimes someone wants something we're not ready to give up.
Sometimes we have to wait.
Sometimes we have to negotiate.
And sometimes, we have to accept that the answer is no.
For children, these experiences are opportunities to develop emotional regulation, empathy, communication, and healthy boundaries.
For adults, they're opportunities to teach instead of simply correct.
Maybe We Need to Change the Conversation
I'm not suggesting that we stop teaching children generosity.
Quite the opposite.
I want children to grow into adults who are thoughtful, considerate, compassionate, and capable of understanding that other people's needs matter.
But I also want them to understand that their own needs matter.
I want them to know that kindness doesn't always mean giving up what they have.
That waiting is a skill.
That asking is different from demanding.
That saying no doesn't automatically make someone selfish.
And that conflict doesn't always mean someone has done something wrong.
Sometimes it simply means two people want different things.
The lesson isn't always, "You have to share."
Sometimes the better lesson is, "Let's figure out how to take turns."
And sometimes, before we say anything at all, the most important thing we can do is observe.
Because that toy truck might be teaching us just as much about the children as we're hoping to teach them about each other.
After the Session | Rebekah Fisher, LPC, ACS
Exploring the space between mental health, human behavior, and the everyday moments that teach us who we are.
